Car 101

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” --Thomas Edison

It all started when a friend of a friend needed female volunteers for a trial Car 101 class. He had recently opened a garage where people can rent space and his tools and fix their cars… for much cheaper than taking it to a mechanic. Since not everyone knows how to fix their own car, he also wanted to have classes. Naturally, I thought that this class had been made just for me and my car ignorance.

Here are some highlights:

The first thing the “teacher” asked us was what we do when something goes wrong with our car. Unanimous answer: call a boy (husband, father, brother, etc.)

Next we learned that cars are very complex entities, much like the human body. Go with me on this. It makes sense, I promise.

--The frame of the car is like its skeleton. It holds everything up in a supportive fashion.

--The engine of the car takes gas and air and makes energy, allowing the car to do fancy things like move. This process is similar to how our bodies take food and turns it into energy.

--The transmission of the car is akin to muscles in the body. In the same way that muscles help the body to move around, the transmission helps transmit energy from the engine to the wheels. Try moving your body without muscles… or try moving your car without a transmission (or very steep hill).

--The suspension in your car absorbs motion through springs, tires, and struts when we go over bumps and hills. This is just like how our tendons and ligaments help us absorb motion/stop moving when we run, jump or fall.

--The electrical system is like the car’s brain. What good are the crazy intricate parts without a mastermind behind them?

I hope that makes as much sense in writing as it does in my head.

That’s pretty much all that I took away from the lecture portion of the class. You have to remember that I knew NOTHING prior to setting foot in that garage. Thus, this was a lot of information to take in. However, we quickly moved on to the participatory part, which was handy because I tend to learn by doing.

Ok. You might want to sit down for this (although, I don’t know many people that read blogs on their computer while standing, but I digress). I, knower of nothing car related, can now change a tire without asking a male person. You have my permission to be impressed. It’s really not as hard as I thought it would be. I will go into further detail about how to do this (in case, you don’t know and want to know, like I did) in a later post.

I hope you’re still sitting down. If not, heads up; you might want to be. I, knower of nothing car related except how to successfully change a tire while being supervised by other knowers, can now change her own oil. I’m less confident in my abilities on this one because if you do it wrong, there are more serious consequences. But if there was ever a pop quiz on oil changing or if someone dared me to do it or if I lived in a world without Jiffy Lubes (what a sad place that would be)… I could totally do it!

This is intense progress, people.

Top 5 things I learned in Car 101:

1.      I really did know nothing about cars before I took this class. Wow.

2.      If it leaks, it’s broken.

3.      Changing your own oil, while it can give you a sense of accomplishment, is much more inconvenient than taking it to Jiffy Lube.

4.      Every car is different. It’s a conspiracy to make you feel stupid.

5.      Chassis (rhymes with Lassie) is a really fun word to say.

I definitely felt like taking this class was a productive use of 3 hours.

Irony… not the funny kind

“It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. It’s the good advice that you just didn't take. Who would’ve thought... it figures.” –Alanis Morisette, “Ironic”

Friday was a sad day. I was driving home from work, thinking about what I was going to write in my next blog post. Seriously, I do that sometimes. And I was sitting in a line of traffic, minding my own business. I look in my rearview mirror and BAM! I get pummeled by an excessively large SUV. I was hit so hard that the rear window shattered on me and the trunk region is now where the backseat region should be.

Other than shaking uncontrollably, I considered myself reasonably unharmed. I checked on the passengers in the other car and they were fine as well, despite having their airbags deploy. So I called the police. And called my daddy. I realize that this was not exactly me standing on my own two feet in the car world. BUT… to be fair, it is technically his car and technically his insurance… and I needed a ride. Slash I was not at the peak of my mental sharpness after getting drop-kicked by the world’s most unnecessarily large form of transportation.

Since this unfortunate event was in no way my fault, I wasn’t hyperventilating or anything. But after the adrenaline that comes with impending death wore off, I felt super sore in my neck and back region. [Sidenote: I feel the need to share that my mother’s first response to hearing about this pain was to tell me to go to the chiropractor and her second response was to take me to get a margarita. Both of which were extremely effective suggestions.] So I have to get a rental car, shop for a new car, deal with the (super lively and exciting) insurance companies, and enter the unknown world of chiropractic care.

As you may imagine, this is taking up a lot of my free time. Thus, my topic this month may be changing slightly. I may have to put less focus on cars in general… and more on the car insurance/accident/buying side of things. The fact that I no longer have a car weighed in this decision heavily. But have no fear, if I get all of this taken care of before the end of my month, I will indeed share some of my newfound car-general knowledge with you as well. Luckily, I already attended a Car 101 course last weekend that you will soon be hearing about… get pumped!

So alas, I was riding home from “the scene” (as the insurance people call it) and an Alanis Morisette song from my childhood kept playing in my mind. Stupid irony.

Experi-month #3: Learnin' about those car things

Cars. This is the answer to the question, “What is the item that Stephanie uses habitually and knows the least about?”

It’s a sad, but true fact. I am a car idiot.

Here is what I know about cars:

1.      How to put gas in them when it says there is none.

Here is what I don’t know about cars:

1.      Everything else.

Thus, I feel that it would benefit me greatly to know the basics. For example, it might one day be handy to know how to change a tire or jump my car without calling my dad for help.

Every time I go to get my oil changed, the skeezy mechanic guys try to convince me that my car will implode and explode simultaneously on my way home… unless I pay them to fix a laundry list of things that sound really important. They can smell my car ignorance and pounce on the opportunity to take advantage of my wallet, using their car jargon and ability to make me feel like I’m driving a ticking bomb. So I’m always like, “Hey man, I have no idea what a flux capacitator is. Make a note of it on my bill and I will go home with my tail between my legs and ask my car-knowledgeable father.” It usually ends up that they were trying to take me for a ride (no pun intended). FYI… there is no such thing as a flux capacitator.

Note: I have taken the liberty of conducting a poll (obviously done through convenience sampling, in case you were curious). This above scenario only happens to women… mostly young women. Moreover, I consider myself to be a feminist. Not in the traditional bra-burning-protesting-angry-muscular kind of way… but in the don’t-assume-I’m-less-intelligent-and-capable-because-I-have-ovaries kind of way. So nothing would give me more pleasure than telling those chauvinistic skeezers exactly why they are full of crap. So I can be like, “Hey man, I KNOW that blinker fluid is about as real as Chubaka.” That would bring me joy.

I don’t necessarily want to know how to fix my car… just be able to speak intelligently about it. I’m hoping this will be a worth-while endeavor. There are so many cute car clichés I could conclude this post with like “Ready, set, go” or “This could be one heck of a ride.” But for your benefit, I will try to hold back at least 80% of my trite remarks. There are just so many to choose from.

Verdict on Month 2

“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” --Paul McCartney

A few thoughts on my meatless month.

Will I stick with it?

While my moral inclination is still to just say no to meat, I most likely will not be able to keep up with the vegetarian thing 100%. My main reason for this is that I do not feel like I’m getting enough protein. There have been several days where I didn’t feel full, no matter how much I consumed. My plan is to be about 80% vegetarian and eat meat only rarely. And by this I mean infrequently, not undercooked.

Also, my plan is to only buy free range and/or organic meat products. Yes, this will be more expensive. But since I’m not eating meat as often, it will work out splendidly.

My last reason for not sticking with the vegetarian lifestyle is that I have lost about 10 pounds and counting. This has required me to basically buy a new wardrobe, because my pants no longer remained on my body on their own. This became problematic in the workplace. While it is nice to lose weight, I feel like that was an unhealthy amount to lose so quickly… and several close friends and family have voiced concerns about my “lankiness.” Yes, that was the word one of them used.

Am I glad I tried this?

Absolutely! It was strangely cleansing. This month opened my eyes to a lot of things and forced me to try an excessive amount of foods that I was previously scared of. I have a new respect for vegetarians and vegans. It is really difficult to defend yourself among meat-lovers. I’ll provide you with the following real-life example:

Dude: What the heck are you eating?

Me: Sesame Tofu and Broccoli.

Dude: Tofu?

Me: Yeah, I’m trying to be a vegetarian for a month.

*Insert cricket noises here*

Dude: But… why?

Me: (Abridged version) I don’t want to kill animals, meat is bad for digestion and meat corporations are cruel and remind me of Sid from Toy Story.

Dude: But meat tastes really good.

I just can’t argue with that kind of intellectual rebuttal.

Would I recommend trying it?

Yes. I think it would give people a chance to try new things that they wouldn’t try otherwise. It also might force restaurants to provide more vegetarian options (hmm… should I have salad #1 or salad #2 and ask them to take off the chicken?). The main reason you should try it is because it makes you realize just how much you eat meat. It’s kind of ridiculous.

Top 5 things I learned from this month:

1.      Tofu is not, in fact, scary. And while the texture is unlike anything I have ever experienced, it is not as revolting as people make it seem.

2.      Spaghetti squash is the best kept secret in the vegetable world. Words can’t describe the ways in which I love and adore this large, yellow entity.

3.      Beans have a perfectly acceptable texture when mixed with other items, such as in chili or soup. But on their own, I still despise them immensely.

4.      I suppose it’s not shocking that meat companies are huge monopolies that treat their livestock and farmers like… pieces of meat. But it still outrages me.

5.      You cannot be overweight if you are a true vegetarian. I mean… honestly, just think about what you cook meat in… butter, grease, fat, unhealthy condiments? This should also not be surprising.

I declare this month a success… mainly because I survived and I learned A LOT.

Alternatives to that protein stuff

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.” --Lynda Montgomery

As a vegetarian, the main obstacle to overcome is having enough protein in your diet. I learned what some of these delightful alternatives are from my many vegetarian supporters (holler!) and random books that people have been giving me. Here is an abridged list for your viewing pleasure:

Beans

Eggs

Nuts (almonds, peanuts, etc.)

Soy

Yogurt

Tofu

Legumes (chickpeas, lentils, etc.)

Cereals and grains

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a huge fan of beans. I have texture issues with them. This poses a problem in the life of a vegetarian. So I’ve been experimenting in hardcore ways with other kinds of protein.

Yogurt-- I eat yogurt every single day. Not only is this a great source of protein, but it is also great for my digestion’s overall happiness.

 Eggs-- I used to eat grilled chicken salads a fair amount, but now I put hard-boiled egg pieces on my salad instead. It’s delicious and extremely economical. I have also been eating omelets like it’s my job, experimenting with various vegetable combinations. So far the favorite is by far the broccoli, onion, tomato variety.

Soy-- Before entering the world of vegetarianism, I had only ever tried soy milk. All other soy products were foreign to me. The soy protein crumbles that I put in my spaghetti squash sauce were simply amazing. I also put it in some chili. I could have sworn I was eating ground beef. You can find them in your grocer’s freezer next to the veggie burgers and other fake meat products. I’ve also tried some fake grilled chicken, which had a strange texture and I still can’t decide if I liked or not.

Tofu-- I am woman enough to admit that making tofu scared me. It’s one of those unknown territories that I wasn’t sure I wanted to venture into. I am also generally fearful of bringing new textures into my life. But I recently sucked it up and bought some. I simply refuse to let inanimate objects have control over my psyche. The following recipe was my first attempt. It definitely can’t touch the majestic levels of the spaghetti squash, but I was pleasantly surprised that I liked it.

I also went a step further and tried… Tofurky. That’s right. I took it out of the package and just stared it down for a few minutes. I then made a sandwich with it and took a bite before I could think about it. I surprisingly really liked it. It shockingly tasted like a turkey sandwich. No one was more surprised about this similarity than me.

*Teriyaki Tofu with Pineapple*

1 (12 ounce) package firm tofu

1 cup pineapple chunks

2 cups teriyaki sauce

Cut tofu into bite sized pieces and place it in a deep baking dish; add drained pineapple. Pour in teriyaki sauce. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Bake for 20 minutes, or until hot and bubbly. I served over rice, but that is optional.